Dear Brooks Raymond

I remember the first time I ever saw you so well, seriously it's just like it was yesterday. It was at a snow canyon football game in the seventh grade. I was wearing a mini skirt and an etnies sweatshirt and I think you were wearing yellow. You and some of your friends were playing football on the grass and I was with my cousin and we thought you and Brody were so cute! So we started to talk to you and exchanged numbers... even though you had a girlfriend at the time. I remember the first thing you ever said was "you can text me but I have a girlfriend and she's like, really hot." and I didn't mind because instantly, you and I were automatic homies.

So that was seventh grade. I can remember talking a little bit here and there off and on until ninth grade when you started to talk to Baylee. Baylee and I were over at Hailey's on a night in December and we decided we were bored, so I said "Let's call Brooks and have him meet us!" so we did, and you walked half way to Hailey's so we wouldn't get lost trying to find your house. You met two crazy probably annoying girls in the middle of December in the middle of the night and even though it was FREEZING outside, you walked anyways without even complaining. Because that's the kind of boy you were Brooks. You were the definition of selfless and would do anything for anybody. That night we hung out at your house and watched motocross videos (surprise there) and talked and laughed. I remember feeling so privilidged to be hanging out with you, Brooks Johnson, the hottest guy around. I was so happy and felt so cool. That night Chance gave us a ride home because we were all like fourteen and didn't have licenses, so Chance took us home and I remember "Airplanes" by B.O.B and Hayley Williams came on the radio and you kept talking about how sick it was and how much you loved it. I remember Chance driving us home and how he ran a red light and I laughed so hard I thought I was going to pee my pants. Who would have known that that night I would embark on the most amazing and wonderful friendship of my life.

Well Brooks, it's been five years since then. Five years of the most precious friendship I was so blessed to have. Do you remember when we went to desert by Little Valley and lit off fireworks? Or when we went to Baylee's cabin and you guys didn't tell us about the pizza and mountain dew in the cooler, and watched as we attempted to cook mystery meat tacos for dinner? Do you remember Junior Prom when our day date turned in to a complete disaster from Hell? Do you remember when we sat in Baylee's basement and watched Friends With Benefits and you were so stoked on life because you finally got the kiss you had been waiting on forever? Do you remember when my parents got married and you came to my house before anyone else and we all sat in the basement wrestling and talking and just having so much fun even though we weren't doing anything at all? Do you remember when we played that shocker game in your basement, or when we went out to the indian reservation or the haunted hotel or all the times we went off roading or just all the talks and laughs and good times that we have shared all through out the many years of being best friends? Wherever you are right now, I hope you do remember these things.

It's been a tough day, Brooks. I never thought I would ever have to endure this kind of pain. It's the heaviest and most painful thing my heart has ever felt. Will it ever stop? Will I ever get back to normal ever again? I don't know, I really don't know.

Yesterday I saw you for the last time I will ever see you again in this life. You were at work, and the first time I saw you yesterday was by the tunnel. I remember thinking oh yay Brooks is here! I can't wait to talk to him. We were pretty busy yesterday so I didn't get a real chance to get to talk to you but I just brushed it off, figuring we would get off at the same time and I would be able to say whats up and see how you were doing. About an hour had past and I went inside from the gas pumps to get a drink, and you were inside talking to someone in splash. I smiled at you and you smiled back and I just kept walking. You seemed busy so I didn't want to bug you, so I just walked right past you and didn't say anything. Even later that day I thought it was a weird thing for me to do... Why would I do that? Why wouldn't I say hi to Brooks? Hmm, that's weird. Oh well, I will talk to him later I thought. Then you got off before I did and I watched you drive away and I thought to myself, geez that kid is cute. I followed your car with my eyes until you turned around the mountain and I couldn't see you anymore. Figuring, I will just see him later.

Then I woke up this morning and my world was changed forever. I realized I wouldn't get the second chance to say hello, to hug you, to touch you, to talk to you, to hear your laugh or see your beautiful, amazing smile. You were gone just like that.

There are SO many questions going through my head at this point. Why you? Why did YOU have to be the one to die? It doesn't make any sense to me and I know it never will. I know I will never be able to make sense of this or feel any comfort with your absence. You are just gone and I will never be given to take the opportunity of being around your incredible presence ever again in this life.

There are so many things I want to say to you. I want you to know that I love you. I have loved you and everything about you since day one. You are the most amazing, loving, goofy, hilarious, real, fun to be around and just all around solid man I have ever met. I am not just saying that because you are gone either, I have always thought this things and I always will think these things of you. You lived a life of pure adventure. Always doing crazy things and always having fun and being YOU. You never failed to amaze me with how true to yourself you always were. You knew the kind of person you were and you didn't change for anyone. I looked up to you Brooks. I still do.

When I say that I was blessed to know you, I mean it with every fiber of my being. We knew each other so well and these last couple months we've never been closer. You have helped me through so many bumps in the road and you know that. I appreciate you and everything you did so much... how was I ever going to repay you? Now I don't even have the chance to repay you. You never failed to make me smile. You never failed to make my day or to make me feel like I was cared about and important to you. I know that you love me just as much as I love you and that is the only bit of comfort I'm getting today. I know you loved your GWAF girls and I know you would have done anything for us. And anyone else for that matter.
Even when you hated someone, Brooks, you never said anything bad about them. You were the most understanding, caring, loving and most perfect guy I will ever know.
Thank you for being my best friend. Thank you for always listening to me and for always making me feel like I had someone to care about me. I remember just last week I called you crying and you just listened to me bawl for a good ten minutes when you finally said, "BraKell if you keep crying, I'm gonna cry so I'm gonna need you to cheer up!" and I think that was your way of telling me that when I was going to lose you, I shouldn't cry because that's not what you want. I am going to try so hard to be strong for you. Even though I have no idea how I am going to make it through this without you, I know that you will always be looking out for me in heaven like you did here on earth. I love you so much Brooks. You left behind of legacy of greatness and I will never be the same here without you.

Love, Bshawty.

Ten things to remember when you don't feel good enough.

“The most terrifying thing is to accept oneself completely.” 

― C.G. Jung

Even the most attractive, happiest,and most confident of people get that feeling sometimes. The gut wrenching feeling in the pit of your stomach when you look in the mirror. the anxiety when stepping on the scale.  the butterflies when taking a drastic risk. the voices in your head that tell you that you are undeserving, that you are worthless, that you aren't good enough. 

well listen up people! because today i'm giving you ten things to remember when you get one of those feelings. and if you take each step in and try and to apply them to yourselves, maybe, just maybe! they'll start to work. 

1. There is nothing wrong with  you. You may feel like sometimes the good outweighs the bad, but trust me, that is so far from the truth. You are so one of a kind and without you, the world really wouldn't be the same! Everybody doubts themselves and everybody has those days where they feel lousy about everything in every aspect of their life. Just because you experience those days, doesn't  mean there is something wrong with you. You are going to have bad days, actually, you're going to have A LOT of bad days. But with some bad, there is always some good! And you shouldn't blame yourself for the things you cannot change. You shouldn't blame yourself if someone doesn't see the good in you because that's their problem. Tons and tons of people think you're really great, you'd be surprised. 

2. You aren't perfect, you're human. You will make some mistakes. You might make some HUGE mistakes. But you know what?  I encourage mistakes because in the end, they turn into lessons. And some of those mistakes might turn out to be beautiful ones. I know the feeling when you try and try and try to be as perfect as possible, but give it up sista, because it's pointless! NO ONE is perfect. No one is even close. We are all terribly flawed in some sort of way, some people are just really good at faking it. So just because you may not be the brightest rose in the garden, doesn't mean you aren't beautiful in your own way. You may not be perfect, but you ARE worth it. 

3. Comparing yourselves to others is pointless. You are probably never going to be Selena Gomez or Ariana Grande. You'll probably never sing like Beyonce or have hair like Taylor Swift. You may never look like the girls in the magazines and even though that kills you, you have to accept it. There can only be ONE of everybody, which means there can only be one of you! Comparing yourself to someone  you will never be makes you fail to recognize the fact that some people want to be like YOU! And it's so true! Appreciate who you are because some of us would kill to be just like you. You would be surprised how many people are looking you like dang, I wish I could be her. I wish I could have a life like hers. So don't take advantage of what some people would do anything to just walk in your shoes for a day. 

4. The voice in your head is wrong. We are own our worst enemy and that's the dang truth. But it is time to change the voice in your head because the voice that is there now is spitting out lies, lies that you're letting yourself believe. Don't wake up telling yourself that it's going to be a bad day. Don't let yourself think that you look hideous when you look in the mirror. Don't freak yourself out while taking a big test, calling yourself stupid and doubting your intelligence. Trust me! The only thing it does is make things worse! Although it's quite easy to convince ourselves that the voices are true, they aren't!

5. Let go of everything that's weighing you down. How do you expect to fly with all that extra baggage keeping you on the ground? Negativity and past hardships should stay in the past. Better yet, they should better you! They shouldn't control your life.  Learn from them, let them change you in a positive way, and LET THEM GO. Do not make them a part of you that's going to prevent you from being happy. It is time to let them all go and to once and for all, be free. 

6. You have made it this far, and if that's not an accomplishment I don't know what is. Just think of all the times you wanted to give up, of all the times you were so done with the continuous curve balls life seemed to be throwing at you. Think of all those times you didn't want to get out bed in the morning, but did anyway. That's beautiful. You're fighting, and you still are, and you are doing just fine.

7. You are in control of your own happiness. It's never to late to change who you want to be. If you don't like something in your life, get rid of it. Pretty simple. 

8. Everybody feels this way sometimes. You are never alone and don't forget it. 

9. Time heals all wounds. Absolutely everything is temporary. So that feeling you're feeling right now?  It will get better. You'll see. 

10. You are worth it all. You are worth the fight, you are worth the time, you are worth the breath and you are worth this life. You are here for a reason and you are good enough. Even if you feel like you aren't good enough to others, it's time to say screw them and work on being good enough for yourself. One day, you'll see what others see and you will be happy. You are worth it all, never forget that.

we all have those days where all we wanna do is cry and feel bad for ourselves, and on those days, come read this post. You are good enough and one day you will realize it. until then, shine bright reader. xoxo, b. 

Resolution for life.

WOOOOOAHHHH it's 2014! and let me tell you, i can hardly believe that 2013 is already behind us. where did that year go?! it seriously flew by and i can't believe this is the year I will be FREAKIN' GRADUATING. (holla to all you other class of 14 homies)

so, the beginning of the year is the time where everyone starts setting all these cheesy resolutions, like going to the gym, learning to play an instrument, doing better in school and doing better in LIFE in general. and well.... here I am to tell you that new year resolution's are stupid. so instead of having a resolution for the year, lets make a resolution for your LIFE instead.

Okay so yes, it is a new year, but it's not a new life. Everything that you attempt to leave behind yesterday will somehow haunt you tomorrow. So don't rely on a "clean slate" for things to get better. Nope, you need to stand up and MAKE things better. and here are some tips on how to do so.

So, you're holding on to something/someone that continues to bring you down and make you feel lousy and small. Even though you know you should slam the door right on their conniving faces, you continue to welcome them in with open arms. But LISTEN THE FREAK UP, no. You need to take charge and you need to realize that you don't deserve or need anything that doesn't make you feel like it's summer every damn day. You don't need anything that doesn't make you smile until it hurts and laugh until you cry. You don't need someone who plays games with your mind and your heart, and who is reckless and cruel when it comes to your feelings. Guess what, guys? It's time to slam that door, hard. Just slam it goodbye so eventually you can open a new one to something fresh and better that'll make you realize just how awesome you really are. So if you are hanging on to someone or something that really sucks, let it go (or do your best) and SMILE. Smile because you deserve to and maybe, just maybe, that smile will catch the attention of something even better.

Okay so next scenario: You don't feel pretty, you compare yourself to everyone else and you don't think you're good enough.
Geez this one is hard because everyone has those days. Me, especially. It is flippin hard to not compare yourself to others or to not feel down in the dumps sometimes. Self-love is a looooong journey that is hard to get right, but I promise you the first step to get there is to take that journey. So after you read this post, if you have second guessed yourself so much as once today, go to the bathroom and look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself (OUT LOUD) at least three things you genuinely love about yourself. For example: I love my green eyes, I love my height and I love my ability to laugh about any situation good or bad. BOOM it's that easy. Now you try. This is a challenge I want all of you to take so, for me, give it a try! Even though feeling beautiful is the single most difficult thing ever, I promise you one way or another at least ONE person looked at you and thought, "wow they are truly lovely and wonderful."


Does the world never spin your way? Are things falling apart more often then they fall together? Do you best efforts never seem to be enough? Well listen up, because this one is for you. Life has a way of throwing things right in our face when we least expect it. One day will be full of sunshine, while the next all we see is rain clouds. Life truly does change like the wind and it's not fair! The WORST feeling ever is when things seem to start looking up for you, and then EVERYTHING falls a part right in front of you. That really is the worst and trust me! I've been there. But my dad always tells me that we make our own luck. Which is kind of difficult to believe because I honestly think I am cursed with the most terrible luck in the world even though I try and turn it around...
But what I think he means is, we get what we give. If we treat the universe like our best friend, the universe will give back! So the next time life gives you lemons, MAKE LEMONAID. Don't give up and don't get discouraged. Try, Try, try again. :) Cheesy, I know. But it's the truth!


Basically: A new year isn't going to change much. It is the start of something new, (TOTAL HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL REFERENCE NOT EVEN SORRY WHAT UP) and it is a time where we all try and want to start over on a clean slate; and although we can't run from the demons we left in 2013, we can prevent new ones from coming alive this year! So cheer up. Put a smile on your face. Delete the negative and EMBRACE the positive. Let's befriend life and try and make this year our beeeeyotch.



Hope you all had a great holiday season and I am going to try so hard to get back into the groove of blogging!

xoxoxox,

b