I am a very complex shawty. I overthink more than the average person. I stress myself out over little things. I get anxiety so easily and I care way too much about what others think. All of my life I have tried really hard to be considered that cool popular pretty girl that everyone likes and that has all these boyfriends and friends and someone that people look up to. But as you grow up, you learn that life isn't going to be like Tv shows or movies. Not everyone is going to think I'm pretty or funny or cool. People are going to down right pick you apart and that's just the way it goes. People are going to judge you for being too much of this or too less of that and no matter what you do or how hard you try, you'll never be able to change their minds. All you can really do in life is try to be understanding of the people that you do not understand. You smile at strangers, you reach out to someone in need, you be there for those who're struggling and you pity the ones who try and tear you down instead of letting them tear you down. Remember that no one is perfect. Everyone has a side of them that they don't show to others. We are all victims of life and we all have something from our past that could take us to our knees in a sob. But of course, we don't show others that side of us so nobody really knows who we really are. Nobody really knows because we feel as if no one would understand. We feel like we have to put up a front and be strong so we aren't looked upon as weak. So when you are judging a person for wearing too much makeup or for sleeping around or for acting super tough and macho remember that we are who we are for a reason. Things happen to us that is going to effect who we turn out to be. We eventually learn and grow from these things, but in the process of learning from it is where we happen to make our mistakes. And although some of our mistakes are worse than others, we make them for a reason. Everything that happens in this life is because of a reason. Nothing just happens for the hell of it, every trial we are put through is meant to shape us and direct us into becoming the person we are meant to be. Some of us find that person earlier than others, and some of us never find it. I guess what I'm trying to say here is don't be one of those people who never find it. If you are like me, and you let other peoples comments and opinions keep you up at night, learn how to let it go and move on from the past. That's the one thing I hate most about myself, the fact that I care so much. If you constantly worry about the opinions and judgments of others, you will never be happy. Hello. Take it from someone who's there in their life as we speak. We just have to try and forget about it. Don't be a prisoner in your past. Your past is gone and it doesn't define who you are as a person. You are not your past mistakes. You are not the mistakes of your parents. You are not what others think you are. You are not ugly. You are not fat. You are not unimportant and you are not worthless. I know, trust me I know, that it is so easy to believe that you are these things. It is so hard to be happy with the person who stares back at you in the mirror. It is so hard to hear people say or think mean things about you and not believe them or to forget them. You never forget them. You carry that shit with you for the rest of your life. But you shouldn't. You shouldn't let that weigh you down from becoming a person that YOU want to be. Each of us have a potential and each of us have worth. It's so hard to believe sometimes but it's true. There is purpose in each of our hearts and one day you are going to wake up and you are going to realize that you have found your purpose. Maybe it's tomorrow, or maybe it's when your fifty. We are not guaranteed a perfect road in our map of a life, readers. But we are guaranteed moments. Moments full of anything we want them to be. Moments full of laughter, full of smiles, full of love, full of lessons, full of screw ups, full of tears, full of bad day, full of good days, full of music, full of the lord, full of kisses, full of choices, and full of beauty. This is your life and you are who you are. Nobodies opinion or judgment can define that or take that away from you. So yes. I do care too much, I do try too hard, I do overthink myself to tears and I question my worth and question my beauty and my potential. But I'm human. And I'm trying so amazingly hard to prove to others that I am not who I used to be. I am not perfect and to you, I may be nothing, but I hope more than anything you will be able to see that I am trying my damn hardest to make myself happy. And I think I want to start pleasing myself before I please any of you. High school is only a chapter, it's not the entire book. There is a world outside of the one you are used to and I hope each and every one of you set out to discover it. Because from what I've heard, the world can actually be a pretty beautiful place. This post is so random and so pointless is so all over the place but I just want each of you to know that you are cared about and that you matter. No matter what you've heard or what the voice inside of your head wants you to think, you have beauty inside yourself that no one else has. We all have to be reminded of it sometimes, you know? Especially me. But anyway. Be who you are and forget about what other people think. Do you and do it well. Or try to, anyways. That's all.
Xoxox,
Bshawty.
Thursday, January 31, 2013
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
Because I support it.
Alright readers. I've got some important things to cover here.
And before I'm going to get into it, click this link right here because Macklemore can preach it a lot better than I'll be able to. But heck, I'm going to try.
And before I'm going to get into it, click this link right here because Macklemore can preach it a lot better than I'll be able to. But heck, I'm going to try.
Gay Marriage.
Whaaaaa? Did we hear you correctly Bshawty? Are you seriously going to talk about this right now? Yes. I am going to talk about this right now. And if that makes you feel uncomfortable or if this is not something you would like to read, feel free to click X and go on with your day. But regardless this is going down.
Some, or actually quite many, believe that homosexuality is wrong. Some people believe that it is a choice, or a result of bad parenting, or an illness. Many people in this world overlook the fact that actually, homosexuality is love. It may not be the same love that we feel, but its actually not all that different either. The world we live in is a crazy place full of crazy people. People who are closed minded, ignorant, judgmental, and to be quite frank, stupid. If we could only put ourselves in their shoes, I know for a fact that most of us wouldn't last a day. These people are constantly taunted and humiliated for simply being who they are. To be gay is not something that you can cure. It is not something that you can fall to your knees and pray to god that it is going to go away. If you know someone who is gay and you become so disgusted that they would choose to be something so repulsive to you, you definitely need to get over yourself. Who would choose a life like that? I certainly wouldn't. And I know you wouldn't either.
Let's role play for a moment. Pretend that you meet someone who is perfect for you. For the first time in your life, you feel complete and total happiness and you want to be with them forever. But picture someone coming up to you and saying, "Oh, sorry. I don't understand why you love this person so no. You can't marry them. Sucks to suck, see you later." How would you feel? I'm sorry, but there is no right or wrong way to be inlove. Love is LOVE and why should we punish two people for being happy? We shouldn't. And what is it to you? Why does it matter to you? They aren't hurting you. And if they are, maybe YOU are the one who needs help.
Some of you may argue that in the bible it straight up says that gay marriage is not what god wants from us and that it's wrong and hell is to pay. Well.. what I have to say to that is I don't think that is at all true. Because if God loves us as much as he says he does, he would never turn away one of his children for being who they are. We are all children of God and regardless, that is between god and his child who just so happens to like the same sex. Its not your businesses, nor is it mine.
This is freakin' AMERICA people. This entire country was built around equality and peace. But it's defiantly not how it is these days. Our Nation is full of racism, hate, and ignorance. You may think that gay marriage is wrong, but do you want to know what I think is wrong? Hating something so strongly just because you simply do not understand.
And if you hate someone because you do not understand them, that doesn't define who they are. It defines who you are.
Growing up in a town that is so centered around religion, I am constantly hearing that supporting this issue is not what my heavenly father wants me to do. But I was born a very open minded and loving person. I will not judge you because of the color of your skin or who you prefer to love. That ain't me. And if that's you, you are sinning as well. Because heavenly father also encourages us not to judge others. So I hope your on your knees repenting at night for being so ignorant and judgmental because I KNOW God isn't proud of you for being so amazingly cruel. Human rights are for every single human on this planet. Gay or straight. White or black. Asian or Mexican. Mormon or Catholic. Love is love and who's to judge someone based on whom they love? No one has the rights to do that. Gays have feelings too. And them getting married isn't hurting anyone. Having said that, love has no gender. So let's stop saying that marriage is only an advantage for a man and a women.
I completely support this topic because I believe in equality and I believe that everyone deserves a shot at happiness. I like boys and if you're a boy and you decide that you like boys too, well awesome. And if you're a girl who likes girls, that's great. Good for you. Congratulations for being who you are. Because I know most of these kids who are giving you a hard time are so damn terrified to be true to themselves they don't even know who they are in the first place. You know exactly who you are. You know exactly who you love. And you shouldn't let a close minded, jerk of a person take that away from you.
I'm going to end this blog post by saying that if my son or daughter came to me one day in the future and said, "Mom, I'm gay." I would look them straight in the eye and I would say, "And I love you just as much."
Xoxox.
Bshawty.
#SameLove
This is freakin' AMERICA people. This entire country was built around equality and peace. But it's defiantly not how it is these days. Our Nation is full of racism, hate, and ignorance. You may think that gay marriage is wrong, but do you want to know what I think is wrong? Hating something so strongly just because you simply do not understand.
And if you hate someone because you do not understand them, that doesn't define who they are. It defines who you are.
Growing up in a town that is so centered around religion, I am constantly hearing that supporting this issue is not what my heavenly father wants me to do. But I was born a very open minded and loving person. I will not judge you because of the color of your skin or who you prefer to love. That ain't me. And if that's you, you are sinning as well. Because heavenly father also encourages us not to judge others. So I hope your on your knees repenting at night for being so ignorant and judgmental because I KNOW God isn't proud of you for being so amazingly cruel. Human rights are for every single human on this planet. Gay or straight. White or black. Asian or Mexican. Mormon or Catholic. Love is love and who's to judge someone based on whom they love? No one has the rights to do that. Gays have feelings too. And them getting married isn't hurting anyone. Having said that, love has no gender. So let's stop saying that marriage is only an advantage for a man and a women.
I completely support this topic because I believe in equality and I believe that everyone deserves a shot at happiness. I like boys and if you're a boy and you decide that you like boys too, well awesome. And if you're a girl who likes girls, that's great. Good for you. Congratulations for being who you are. Because I know most of these kids who are giving you a hard time are so damn terrified to be true to themselves they don't even know who they are in the first place. You know exactly who you are. You know exactly who you love. And you shouldn't let a close minded, jerk of a person take that away from you.
I'm going to end this blog post by saying that if my son or daughter came to me one day in the future and said, "Mom, I'm gay." I would look them straight in the eye and I would say, "And I love you just as much."
Xoxox.
Bshawty.
#SameLove
Friday, January 4, 2013
Lust.
So, one of my good friends Steph, sent me this in class today and texted, "read this." to go along with it. The link sent me here. And well, by the end of the post, it had me in tears.
And you wanna know why? because it's completely true.
Look at us. We're teenagers. We are young and we are stupid and we don't have a clue.We meet. We text, talk on the phone, facetime, and whatever else all night long. We sneak out of windows and we climb in passenger seats. We let kisses go too far. We hold someones hand and believe it means more than it really does. We think we are falling in love, and we think we stand a chance.
And most of the time, one of us feels more magic than the other.
But then we have moments. We have moments where we realize the one thing that has been real all along: The lust.
Too often, we fall for what appears to be there.
Instead of falling for what they are, we fall for what we think they are. And it really isn't fair to either one of you. Expectations start to form and sooner or later we are crushed when we come to find out that the person isn't as perfect as we made them out to be. Hellllllo Lusters!
And it really isn't our faults, some of us don't know any better. And some of us have higher walls than others. But listen to me reader, don't fall for whats on the outside. Don't fall for someone because you make them out to be perfect in your head. And don't fall for someone who doesn't know and understand and overall, love, the most insignificant things about you.
We all have fears. We all have secrets. We all have favorite movies and songs and books and hobbies. We all have scars. And we all have a secret side of us that we don't let anyone see. And until you aren't afraid to open yourself up like a book to another person, and get the same in return, I promise you what you are feeling is not love.
If someone rejects your flaws and rejects the things about you that ultimately make you, you... Then they aren't even worth loving. They are more focused on what they want you to be than what you really are. They want the fake you that gives into their needs and who holds it all together and who acts like whatever they do to hurt you doesn't phase you at all. They want you to not care and they want you to come running whenever they call because, to be blunt, they don't love you. Sorry, but its the truth.
And how could you possibly love someone that hasn't invited you in? You can't invite yourself into another persons soul. If you are infatuated by the way a person looks at you, or the way they bite your lower lip when they kiss you, or the way they hold your hand when they drive, you aren't inlove with them. If you don't know someones passions, and fears, and secrets, and scars, and dreams... How could you possibly love them? You don't even know them.
You may like this person. You may even like them a lot. But you don't know anything about them that is worth loving. And if a person doesn't want to open up to you that way, and be trusting enough to allow yourself to open up as well, you are lusting up a storm my love.
And I promise you, if someone isn't making the effort to get the invite to your soul.. They don't love you. They are guilty of lusting too. And if they reject your efforts to let them in, and if they deny your flaws and expect you to be the person they have made up inside their head for you to be, trust me, you aren't going to want to stick around. Like the post said, they are "loving" you for all the wrong reasons.
Allow someone to love you for who you are. Allow someone to love you for the way you crinkle your nose when you apply your mascara, or the way you whistle without noticing. Or the way you are addicted to old rock bands and oversized t shirts. Or the way you look when you first wakeup. Or the way you laugh a little too loud. Or the way you curse without realizing it. These are the things that make you who you are, and if someone can't accept that.. Who needs them?
We don't even need love right now, you guys. It may seem like the most important thing in the world.. but its not. All I'm saying is know the difference between love and lust before you go giving away your entire heart. Lust is easy and it's exciting to be honest... Love is hard, and it's scary. Hell, it gives us far more to lose. Just chill out and let everything come as it is. We've got a lot of growing up to do.. So let's enjoy every moment of it.
Xoxox,
Bshawty.
And you wanna know why? because it's completely true.
Look at us. We're teenagers. We are young and we are stupid and we don't have a clue.We meet. We text, talk on the phone, facetime, and whatever else all night long. We sneak out of windows and we climb in passenger seats. We let kisses go too far. We hold someones hand and believe it means more than it really does. We think we are falling in love, and we think we stand a chance.
And most of the time, one of us feels more magic than the other.
But then we have moments. We have moments where we realize the one thing that has been real all along: The lust.
Too often, we fall for what appears to be there.
Instead of falling for what they are, we fall for what we think they are. And it really isn't fair to either one of you. Expectations start to form and sooner or later we are crushed when we come to find out that the person isn't as perfect as we made them out to be. Hellllllo Lusters!
And it really isn't our faults, some of us don't know any better. And some of us have higher walls than others. But listen to me reader, don't fall for whats on the outside. Don't fall for someone because you make them out to be perfect in your head. And don't fall for someone who doesn't know and understand and overall, love, the most insignificant things about you.
We all have fears. We all have secrets. We all have favorite movies and songs and books and hobbies. We all have scars. And we all have a secret side of us that we don't let anyone see. And until you aren't afraid to open yourself up like a book to another person, and get the same in return, I promise you what you are feeling is not love.
If someone rejects your flaws and rejects the things about you that ultimately make you, you... Then they aren't even worth loving. They are more focused on what they want you to be than what you really are. They want the fake you that gives into their needs and who holds it all together and who acts like whatever they do to hurt you doesn't phase you at all. They want you to not care and they want you to come running whenever they call because, to be blunt, they don't love you. Sorry, but its the truth.
And how could you possibly love someone that hasn't invited you in? You can't invite yourself into another persons soul. If you are infatuated by the way a person looks at you, or the way they bite your lower lip when they kiss you, or the way they hold your hand when they drive, you aren't inlove with them. If you don't know someones passions, and fears, and secrets, and scars, and dreams... How could you possibly love them? You don't even know them.
You may like this person. You may even like them a lot. But you don't know anything about them that is worth loving. And if a person doesn't want to open up to you that way, and be trusting enough to allow yourself to open up as well, you are lusting up a storm my love.
And I promise you, if someone isn't making the effort to get the invite to your soul.. They don't love you. They are guilty of lusting too. And if they reject your efforts to let them in, and if they deny your flaws and expect you to be the person they have made up inside their head for you to be, trust me, you aren't going to want to stick around. Like the post said, they are "loving" you for all the wrong reasons.
Allow someone to love you for who you are. Allow someone to love you for the way you crinkle your nose when you apply your mascara, or the way you whistle without noticing. Or the way you are addicted to old rock bands and oversized t shirts. Or the way you look when you first wakeup. Or the way you laugh a little too loud. Or the way you curse without realizing it. These are the things that make you who you are, and if someone can't accept that.. Who needs them?
We don't even need love right now, you guys. It may seem like the most important thing in the world.. but its not. All I'm saying is know the difference between love and lust before you go giving away your entire heart. Lust is easy and it's exciting to be honest... Love is hard, and it's scary. Hell, it gives us far more to lose. Just chill out and let everything come as it is. We've got a lot of growing up to do.. So let's enjoy every moment of it.
Xoxox,
Bshawty.
Monday, December 31, 2012
The Best Of 2012.
“I hope that in this year to come, you make mistakes. Because if you are making mistakes, then you are making new things, trying new things, learning, living, pushing yourself, changing yourself, changing your world. You're doing things you've never done before, and more importantly, you're Doing Something. So that's my wish for you, and all of us, and my wish for myself. Make New Mistakes. Make glorious, amazing mistakes. Make mistakes nobody's ever made before. Don't freeze, don't stop, don't worry that it isn't good enough, or it isn't perfect, whatever it is: art, or love, or work or family or life. Whatever it is you're scared of doing, Do it.
Make your mistakes, next year and forever.”
― Neil Gaiman
So here we are in the final chapters of the year 2012.
For me, this year has been filled with good laughs, good times, good friends, good lessons, and better me.
I think this was the year that I actually grew up. I went into this year with a broken heart and most of the year was spent trying to get back to my old self.. and thank the lord I finally found it. 2012 was the year that I realized the ONLY people I need are four girls that I like to call GWAF. 2012 was the year that I watched a persons world fall apart and I was able to help them get through something that truly impacted my life in ways I could never describe. 2012 brought me a summer full of so much joy and smiles that I will never forget. 2012 was a roller-coaster and it was rocky and sometimes I thought I would never be happy again, but 2012 ultimately turned me into a person that I'm actually starting to like. So, that's a plus right?
The moments:
so, I got my heartbroken in 2012. I thought I was inlove, but looking back now I'm sure what I was feeling was far from love. But I mean, anytime you get rejected or treated badly by a person you really and sincerely care about of course you are going to be hurt. this year I guess I was hurt more often and maybe I took things too personally and maybe I stuck around for too long, but I can honestly say I don't regret a single thing. while moving on from this person, I became the happiest and freest I have been in my entire life. I have learned so much about myself and about love thanks to this person and I can honestly say now I am thankful for what I was put through and what happened between myself and this person. and I can honestly say that I will forever care about and never regret this person because of the lesson they taught me. so hey mystery boy. thank you.
This past summer, one of my closest friends older brother died in a plane crash. It was honestly one of the hardest things I have ever had to watch someone go through and it seriously put so much into perspective for me and it truly changed the way I look at life and my own brother. I try so hard to be nice to my siblings and to make sure they know how much I love them and how glad I am that I have them as siblings. It also made me realize that life is short. We only have so much time on this planet to make moments and memories because our time is limited. I am so proud of my friend Maddie for getting through it and for being so strong. I love you so much my Slug bug. <3
This summer man.. best summer of my entire life. I was the happiest and wholest I have ever been in those three short months than I have ever been! I met so many amazing people and I gained so many friends and I know I will never forget Summer of 2012. It was SO good to me. I think that's where I left my heart honestly.
The Party. Do you know what one I'm talking about? Well. Baylee's parents went out of town... and it was on a Wednesday afternoon where Codie and I took matters into our on hands. We pooled together our money and hired a Dj. We spread the word in a matter of 24 hours. We spent the entire next day cleaning and preparing for the first and only party of the Summer and we had to make sure everything was perfect. I mean come on, no parents.. summer vacation.. and a pool in the backyard. What could be better, right? Well. It was a hit. And it was by far one of my most treasured and favorite nights I have ever spent with my best friends. And we almost got away with it until someone called Baylee's parents.... uh oh... ;)
The camping trip. Oh... the camping trip. Sorry mom and dad if you are reading this because you don't exactly know about this yet. Well..... I told my parents I was sleeping at Codie's. When actually.... I went to Pine Valley with GWAF and we slept at Baylee's cabin. Coincidentally, some of our best guy friends Brooks, Garrett, Ryan, and Brody were down the street at Ryan's cabin. So we all hung out for a while and we were all starving. So Codie and Baylee decided that they would search the freezer for some meat that we could cook for like hamburgers or something.. and just our luck, the only meat that was at the cabin was labled, "Wild Bore." So, we made wild bore tacos. Safe to say I would rather starve than scarf down wild bore tacos. When we were all hating our lives and trying our hardest not to throw up from the smell, the boys decided to announce that they actually had pizza and a cooler full of mountain dew in their truck. It was NOT funny at the time, but looking back I know that was a moment I will never forget.
Junior Prom. My good friend Ryan asked me to be his date at his Junior Prom. He goes to Snow Canyon and I got to Desert Hills but we still all hang out a lot and I was so stoked! My other really good friends Brooks and Brody asked Baylee and Codie and other friends of mine Ashlee Miller, Mikayla Miller, Jon Hall, and Jon Arbizu were also in our group. It was so much fun! The day date was actually kind of a disaster considering we were mobbing with razors which eventually got rolled. Yeah, blood and tears were shed. I was covered in bruises by the end of the day but it was totally worth it. I loved every second of it! The dance was so much fun and I seriously think about it all the time because I loved it that much.
Pine Views Homecoming. Seriously, best dance ever. Everything was just so perfect! James Katoa was my date and he is seriously so funny and he's not too hard on the eyes either if you know what I mean. ;) He's a good friend of mine and I'm so thankful he decided to spend his last homecoming ever with me! Our group was crazy. For the day date we played mud football and that was a blast. The dance was CRAZY our whole group went so hard! My favorite moment was when "I Will Always Love You" came on and everyone sang it on the top of our lungs. Yeah, my voice was done for by the time the dance was over. But it was such a great way to start off the year and I had so much fun. I loved every single person in our group and I loved having James as a date. Yeah, best dance ever to say the least.
Josh Benno. Josh and I started hanging out this summer and I can honestly say becoming Josh's friend was one of the best decisions I have ever made. He really helped me this summer with getting my mind of my broken heart and he was always so nice and was always there for me when I needed someone to count on. I think of him as an older brother and I hope that I can forever keep him in my life because I need him more than he knows. I love you Joshy. :)
The Classy Night. That's what we called it, anyway. Me, Codie, Brock, and Kadan all got dressed up and decided we wanted to have a night full of classy things. I think we tried a little too hard, but it was a really fun and unforgettable night. We got apple cider and went to Olive Garden and we all dressed pretty and I don't think I've laughed like that in forever! We went on top of Dixie Rock and drank our cider and took stupid pictures and felt cooler than we really were. But I loved that night so much and I love those people even more.
GWAF. Anytime, any place. We always are laughing and having a good time. 2012 was the year that we invented GWAF and it just stuck. I spent most of my days with these girls and I wouldn't want to spend it with any other group of girls. They seriously are my family and I know there will never come a day where we aren't girls who are friends. <3
AFAA. These boys mean a lot to me, too. All of you. Devan, Brock, Kadan, Austin, and Jerry. You all know just what to say to make me cry of laughter and you make me feel so happy and so glad to know you all. I'm so thankful for the friendship we all have and I will always love and remember the good times we have had. I love you Afaa.
So here's to 2012. Here's to the hits and misses. The regrets and the memories. The heart aches and the ones who put our hearts back together. The new friends and the old. The smiles and the tears. The summer and the winter. The days that are over but never forgotten.
And here's to 2013. Another year to make better mistakes and to, as cliché as its, have another chance of getting it right.
Xoxoxo,
Bshawty.
Make your mistakes, next year and forever.”
― Neil Gaiman
So here we are in the final chapters of the year 2012.
For me, this year has been filled with good laughs, good times, good friends, good lessons, and better me.
I think this was the year that I actually grew up. I went into this year with a broken heart and most of the year was spent trying to get back to my old self.. and thank the lord I finally found it. 2012 was the year that I realized the ONLY people I need are four girls that I like to call GWAF. 2012 was the year that I watched a persons world fall apart and I was able to help them get through something that truly impacted my life in ways I could never describe. 2012 brought me a summer full of so much joy and smiles that I will never forget. 2012 was a roller-coaster and it was rocky and sometimes I thought I would never be happy again, but 2012 ultimately turned me into a person that I'm actually starting to like. So, that's a plus right?
The moments:
so, I got my heartbroken in 2012. I thought I was inlove, but looking back now I'm sure what I was feeling was far from love. But I mean, anytime you get rejected or treated badly by a person you really and sincerely care about of course you are going to be hurt. this year I guess I was hurt more often and maybe I took things too personally and maybe I stuck around for too long, but I can honestly say I don't regret a single thing. while moving on from this person, I became the happiest and freest I have been in my entire life. I have learned so much about myself and about love thanks to this person and I can honestly say now I am thankful for what I was put through and what happened between myself and this person. and I can honestly say that I will forever care about and never regret this person because of the lesson they taught me. so hey mystery boy. thank you.
This past summer, one of my closest friends older brother died in a plane crash. It was honestly one of the hardest things I have ever had to watch someone go through and it seriously put so much into perspective for me and it truly changed the way I look at life and my own brother. I try so hard to be nice to my siblings and to make sure they know how much I love them and how glad I am that I have them as siblings. It also made me realize that life is short. We only have so much time on this planet to make moments and memories because our time is limited. I am so proud of my friend Maddie for getting through it and for being so strong. I love you so much my Slug bug. <3
This summer man.. best summer of my entire life. I was the happiest and wholest I have ever been in those three short months than I have ever been! I met so many amazing people and I gained so many friends and I know I will never forget Summer of 2012. It was SO good to me. I think that's where I left my heart honestly.
The Party. Do you know what one I'm talking about? Well. Baylee's parents went out of town... and it was on a Wednesday afternoon where Codie and I took matters into our on hands. We pooled together our money and hired a Dj. We spread the word in a matter of 24 hours. We spent the entire next day cleaning and preparing for the first and only party of the Summer and we had to make sure everything was perfect. I mean come on, no parents.. summer vacation.. and a pool in the backyard. What could be better, right? Well. It was a hit. And it was by far one of my most treasured and favorite nights I have ever spent with my best friends. And we almost got away with it until someone called Baylee's parents.... uh oh... ;)
The camping trip. Oh... the camping trip. Sorry mom and dad if you are reading this because you don't exactly know about this yet. Well..... I told my parents I was sleeping at Codie's. When actually.... I went to Pine Valley with GWAF and we slept at Baylee's cabin. Coincidentally, some of our best guy friends Brooks, Garrett, Ryan, and Brody were down the street at Ryan's cabin. So we all hung out for a while and we were all starving. So Codie and Baylee decided that they would search the freezer for some meat that we could cook for like hamburgers or something.. and just our luck, the only meat that was at the cabin was labled, "Wild Bore." So, we made wild bore tacos. Safe to say I would rather starve than scarf down wild bore tacos. When we were all hating our lives and trying our hardest not to throw up from the smell, the boys decided to announce that they actually had pizza and a cooler full of mountain dew in their truck. It was NOT funny at the time, but looking back I know that was a moment I will never forget.
Junior Prom. My good friend Ryan asked me to be his date at his Junior Prom. He goes to Snow Canyon and I got to Desert Hills but we still all hang out a lot and I was so stoked! My other really good friends Brooks and Brody asked Baylee and Codie and other friends of mine Ashlee Miller, Mikayla Miller, Jon Hall, and Jon Arbizu were also in our group. It was so much fun! The day date was actually kind of a disaster considering we were mobbing with razors which eventually got rolled. Yeah, blood and tears were shed. I was covered in bruises by the end of the day but it was totally worth it. I loved every second of it! The dance was so much fun and I seriously think about it all the time because I loved it that much.
Pine Views Homecoming. Seriously, best dance ever. Everything was just so perfect! James Katoa was my date and he is seriously so funny and he's not too hard on the eyes either if you know what I mean. ;) He's a good friend of mine and I'm so thankful he decided to spend his last homecoming ever with me! Our group was crazy. For the day date we played mud football and that was a blast. The dance was CRAZY our whole group went so hard! My favorite moment was when "I Will Always Love You" came on and everyone sang it on the top of our lungs. Yeah, my voice was done for by the time the dance was over. But it was such a great way to start off the year and I had so much fun. I loved every single person in our group and I loved having James as a date. Yeah, best dance ever to say the least.
Josh Benno. Josh and I started hanging out this summer and I can honestly say becoming Josh's friend was one of the best decisions I have ever made. He really helped me this summer with getting my mind of my broken heart and he was always so nice and was always there for me when I needed someone to count on. I think of him as an older brother and I hope that I can forever keep him in my life because I need him more than he knows. I love you Joshy. :)
The Classy Night. That's what we called it, anyway. Me, Codie, Brock, and Kadan all got dressed up and decided we wanted to have a night full of classy things. I think we tried a little too hard, but it was a really fun and unforgettable night. We got apple cider and went to Olive Garden and we all dressed pretty and I don't think I've laughed like that in forever! We went on top of Dixie Rock and drank our cider and took stupid pictures and felt cooler than we really were. But I loved that night so much and I love those people even more.
GWAF. Anytime, any place. We always are laughing and having a good time. 2012 was the year that we invented GWAF and it just stuck. I spent most of my days with these girls and I wouldn't want to spend it with any other group of girls. They seriously are my family and I know there will never come a day where we aren't girls who are friends. <3
AFAA. These boys mean a lot to me, too. All of you. Devan, Brock, Kadan, Austin, and Jerry. You all know just what to say to make me cry of laughter and you make me feel so happy and so glad to know you all. I'm so thankful for the friendship we all have and I will always love and remember the good times we have had. I love you Afaa.
So here's to 2012. Here's to the hits and misses. The regrets and the memories. The heart aches and the ones who put our hearts back together. The new friends and the old. The smiles and the tears. The summer and the winter. The days that are over but never forgotten.
And here's to 2013. Another year to make better mistakes and to, as cliché as its, have another chance of getting it right.
Xoxoxo,
Bshawty.
Saturday, December 29, 2012
For anyone who needs it.
So readers.. Here's the thing about my blog.
I like to write about things that I have personally experienced, such as divorce, broken hearts, and learning how to accept yourself. I hope that some of you who read my blog will learn from some of my mistakes and you can apply the lessons I've learned into your own life. I've mentioned this before... but my goal in this blog is to help people. I want you guys to know that you are not alone and I hope you all realize that everything I write about on here is things I have gone through or are dealing with. And some of the advice I give is not only to you guys, but also to myself. Because the truth is... I act as if I have it all together, but I really don't. We are all broken in different ways, some of us are more broken then others, and if I can possibly fix another person, maybe I can fix myself too.
So here's something else for you all that I want you to really think about.
If you are ever being treated poorly by a person, I want you to tell them to screw off and I want you to walk away and I want you to respect yourself enough to know when things go too far.
I want you all to know that you have worth. You have worth that you have to realize if you are ever going to be happy. You can't let another person be the judge on how much you are worth because no one has any right to be the one to tell you how much you are or are not worth something. You can't let someone make you feel like you will never be good enough. You can't let someone treat you like dirt because you think you deserve it or because you think you can keep it under control. People who prove you wrong once will just keep letting you down. People who hurt you once will hurt you again. People don't change. They just don't. I used to be one of those people who had tons of faith in the chance of a crappy person turning into a super sweet and caring one, but that's just not how it is. We are who we are and that's just the way it is. You have to stop being so trusting that maybe they didn't mean the stuff they put you through or maybe they didn't mean the things they said or did that made you feel like nothing.
And you know what, I am a complete hypocrite right now. Because I let people make me feel like I'm nothing. And after a while, you start to believe it. You start to believe that hey, maybe I am nothing. Maybe all I'm good for is one night flings. You start to believe it and you let someone take away all your self respect because you think in the end it will be worth it. You think maybe one day it will be worth the tears and the heartache and the wasted time. Maybe this feeling will be worth it one day.
But it's not. It is and never will be worth it. It's easy for someone to look in your eyes and tell you that you are beautiful and then ignore and humiliate you the next day. It's easy for someone to tell you everything you want to hear while they are doing the same thing to plenty of other people. It is so easy for them because they don't care. They don't and they never will care. You may feel beautiful and perfect for a minute, but a minute will never be worth the hurt and embarrassment you will feel after. It just won't be.. so get that thought right out of your head.
Once you feel like you are good for nothing and once you lose your self respect.. it takes forever to get out of that mode. So just keep your standards high. Don't let anyone come along and take that away from you. No one deserves to be used or to be treated like they are nothing. It is one of the most raw and hurtful feelings you could ever feel. I promise you that by having high and set standards it will keep you from so much pain and embarrassment. Sometimes we have to stop listening to our hearts and listen to our brain. Our brains know what's up while our dumb little hearts will beat for anyone who can make us smile.
Like I said before, learn from my mistakes. Know your self-worth and remember that you are worth more than you think. I need to remember that too.
That's all I really had to say tonight you guys. Sweet dreams and I hope this made someone out there realize something tonight.
Xoxoxo,
Always,
Bshawty.
I like to write about things that I have personally experienced, such as divorce, broken hearts, and learning how to accept yourself. I hope that some of you who read my blog will learn from some of my mistakes and you can apply the lessons I've learned into your own life. I've mentioned this before... but my goal in this blog is to help people. I want you guys to know that you are not alone and I hope you all realize that everything I write about on here is things I have gone through or are dealing with. And some of the advice I give is not only to you guys, but also to myself. Because the truth is... I act as if I have it all together, but I really don't. We are all broken in different ways, some of us are more broken then others, and if I can possibly fix another person, maybe I can fix myself too.
So here's something else for you all that I want you to really think about.
If you are ever being treated poorly by a person, I want you to tell them to screw off and I want you to walk away and I want you to respect yourself enough to know when things go too far.
I want you all to know that you have worth. You have worth that you have to realize if you are ever going to be happy. You can't let another person be the judge on how much you are worth because no one has any right to be the one to tell you how much you are or are not worth something. You can't let someone make you feel like you will never be good enough. You can't let someone treat you like dirt because you think you deserve it or because you think you can keep it under control. People who prove you wrong once will just keep letting you down. People who hurt you once will hurt you again. People don't change. They just don't. I used to be one of those people who had tons of faith in the chance of a crappy person turning into a super sweet and caring one, but that's just not how it is. We are who we are and that's just the way it is. You have to stop being so trusting that maybe they didn't mean the stuff they put you through or maybe they didn't mean the things they said or did that made you feel like nothing.
And you know what, I am a complete hypocrite right now. Because I let people make me feel like I'm nothing. And after a while, you start to believe it. You start to believe that hey, maybe I am nothing. Maybe all I'm good for is one night flings. You start to believe it and you let someone take away all your self respect because you think in the end it will be worth it. You think maybe one day it will be worth the tears and the heartache and the wasted time. Maybe this feeling will be worth it one day.
But it's not. It is and never will be worth it. It's easy for someone to look in your eyes and tell you that you are beautiful and then ignore and humiliate you the next day. It's easy for someone to tell you everything you want to hear while they are doing the same thing to plenty of other people. It is so easy for them because they don't care. They don't and they never will care. You may feel beautiful and perfect for a minute, but a minute will never be worth the hurt and embarrassment you will feel after. It just won't be.. so get that thought right out of your head.
Once you feel like you are good for nothing and once you lose your self respect.. it takes forever to get out of that mode. So just keep your standards high. Don't let anyone come along and take that away from you. No one deserves to be used or to be treated like they are nothing. It is one of the most raw and hurtful feelings you could ever feel. I promise you that by having high and set standards it will keep you from so much pain and embarrassment. Sometimes we have to stop listening to our hearts and listen to our brain. Our brains know what's up while our dumb little hearts will beat for anyone who can make us smile.
Like I said before, learn from my mistakes. Know your self-worth and remember that you are worth more than you think. I need to remember that too.
That's all I really had to say tonight you guys. Sweet dreams and I hope this made someone out there realize something tonight.
Xoxoxo,
Always,
Bshawty.
Wednesday, December 26, 2012
Stuff Stuff Stuff
Wishing a happy new year to you all. Keep your vibes chill and your heads up readers! Bshawty is always here for anyone who needs it.
xoxox.
Bshawty.
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